insidious inspiration

Sometimes all it takes is a combination of sounds, images and words 
something under your skin that fractures all that has become a bore
nothing left but the pieces of yesterdays norm
inspiration and rejuvenation cause to create anew in some form

but that look she gave

it's just killing me

all at once dying inside

while in same time

an exploding light and life

is only mine

Damaged little buggers in suburbia

I just watched and re-watched a film.  It's called "Crime and Punishment in Suburbia".  It's an adaptation and retelling of the story "Crime and Punishment" but set in modern day (well 1999) suburbia.  I won't go too much into the specifics of the story, but one of the characters undergoes a transformation in the end of the story, and the person she has become is like so many people in this day and age of broken homes and dysfunctional families.  As one of the characters in the film puts it they are "damaged little f*ckers".  

I've often wondered if I appreciate enough the upbringing I had - 2 loving parents and enough siblings to always have someone to talk to, no matter where or when I was.  In  the course of my life I've met so many people my age who have endured and experienced things I will never be able to relate to.  I've often thought that there are some relationships I've had with people which simply plateaued for this very reason. 

In the arc of the character Roseanne's story she goes from being the popular girl with the jock boyfriend to the outcast with a home life that could best be described as twisted wreckage.  She finds a lone friend in the school outcast, who is seemingly the only person who can relate to her state of being.  One such person that I know of came to mind whilst watching this movie.

It is only recently that I learned of events that happened long ago, and I reflect upon what my life was like during that time, and I feel fortunate to have had the life that I had.  These events that occurred could destroy a person, and did to some.  I can't possibly fathom how this could affect a person's mental state, not just when it happens, but years and years after it has happened.  There's no doubt it damages a person's psyche and affects in some way their ability to have meaningful or normal relationships with 'normal' people.  It's like it becomes an unconscious impulse to push those regular people away, and seek one that is more like them.     

I've often been described as 'too normal'.  It's incredibly frustrating to feel that I'm too normal for someone to trust, or confide, or be intimate with.  But what I can I do?  I can't change who I am or what experiences I've had, and I would never ask for it - but I'd like to think that I could be more meaningful to someone who has endured unspeakable trauma.  I feel as though some part of our relationship was lost before it had even been found, and I want so desperately to make it all okay.

This friend's experiences, and reactions later in life reinforce the importance of maintaining strong ethical and moral values throughout your lifetime.  Not just in how you act, but in who you choose to interact with - life is too unpredictable to think that things might just be okay, or that it will work itself out for the better.

In the film redemption is found and the main character muses to herself in voiceover 'what a strange path it took to find my heart'.  I'd like to think that there is the possibility for redemption or salvation for all of us, but then you hear and learn of things so horrible, so inhuman that it tests the resolve in your beliefs.  Do some people deserve to burn in hell?  I don't know, that's never for me to say - but nobody deserves to live a life of hell.  Unfortunately some people have to anyway.    

My interpretation to the dream in the movie 'No Country for Old Men'

There's a lot of speculation to the meaning of the dream at the end of 'No Country for Old Men'.  Here's my two cents.

The dream at the end of the movie to me is a metaphor for the unknown that is death and perhaps, afterlife. Ed Tom knows the world keeps moving and changing - eventually everyone comes to a point where they no longer understand it. Ed Tom has reached that point in his life. He doesn't want to confront Chigurh, and he's ashamed, but he knows that's just the way it is. The dream he has is a manifestation of his hope that his father has experienced the same transition. We all look to our fathers (if we are so lucky) for advice and wisdom - even after they are gone. Ed Tom hopes that when he dies, his father is out 'there', in the cold and dark, waiting for him with warmth and light. What is warmth and light? Love.

 

25 Things

Just a post from the Facebook page. . . 1. I come from a large family. I have 4 sisters, 3 brothers, 1 twin sister and 2 brothers that are also twins. No, we are not Catholic. 2. Without a doubt smoking is the dumbest thing I have ever done - I am currently 1 week into not smoking for about the millionth time. 3. I don't think being a conservative makes me racist or prejudiced. I think we offer solutions that aren't necessarily the easiest or most sympathetic, but this world ain't about easy. It's tough, and it's up to you to do something about it. 4. I realize every day that I become more and more like my parents - and every day I mind less and less. 5. I sometimes feel like my entire life has been an uphill climb - I've struggled to succeed in every way - whether it's in school, sports, dating, a career, friendships, everything. Then I tell myself to stop being such a baby and keep moving forward. 6. I have more dreams and aspirations than I can possibly fulfill in a lifetime. I'll try to keep checking things off my list anyway. 7. Every day I find a reason to remind myself that I am not as smart as I think. 8. I exercise and try to be healthy but I often find the things I like most are really bad for me. 9. I've discovered that I become things I never thought I would - I never thought I'd get into politics but in less than one year it is all I think about - it's been quite a journey of self discovery. 10. I know I will never understand women, and I know I have horrible instincts when it comes to women but I continue to make stupid mistakes anyway. 11. I sometimes revert to being quiet and introverted. When my twin and I started kindergarten she ran around talking to everyone while I sat in a chair and talked to no one. I'm told this came about when we learned to talk - people would ask us questions and I'd begin to respond but my sister would butt in and answer for me. So I stopped talking! I love ya anyway sis! 12. I love music and wish that I had taken my music education more seriously when I was younger. I'd love to just pick up a guitar and play a song or rock out on a drum set to some Stone Temple Pilots. 13. I pride myself on not getting sick very often - I credit that to eating a healhy lunch every day, not drinking soda, and not using medicine unless I absolutely have to. . . 14. I have lots of great ideas for documentary films but need the money and time. I'm always trying to acquire more of both. 15. I used to be pro choice. I can't possibly fathom what made me think that was right. 16. I don't completely buy into this global warming thing - I feel like we should reduce pollution and carbon emissions, and get the gas guzzlers off the road. I also am sick to death of these Hollywood libs telling us all how horrible we are for ruining the planet while they fly around in their private jets. I hate hypocrites. 17. I honestly don't feel right now like I'm going to meet a woman that I could start a family with. . . 18. I question the existence of God all the time - but I find myself defending his existence to those annoying atheists who feel like they're superior to believers 19. I've found that when I want something I've gotten it - but not first without a lot of patience, disappointment, perseverance, and failure . 20. I love to fly and go rock climbing but if I stare at a carnival ride long enough there's no way in hell you'll get me on it. . . 21. I don't know about marijuana but I heard some idiot argue for legalizing the harder drugs because the prisons are full - what do you think all the drug dealers will suddenly start doing the right thing after it's legalized? Moron. 22. I am fairly certain things will get better and the Democrats will take credit for it. If things do not get better Republicans will be blamed. 23. I lost a lot of respect for the mainstream media in this last election - their behavior was disgusting and unprofessional. 24. I love my family, my nieces and nephews and my friends. When things are bad I remind myself how lucky I am. 25. I hope that someday after I die I can go golfing with my grandpa again, or play rummy with my grandma, take a bike ride through the countryside, play with all my pets again and see everyone I ever loved in this life. That's the hope I hold out for and the faith I pursue. I can't imagine not believing in anything at all.

Rumblings of Imminence - on its way. . .

I'm a bit apprehensive - I am getting ready to submit my first finished film to its first film festival tomorrow.  I'm trying to get into the Big Muddy Film Festival, which happens to take place at my alma mater, Southern Illinois University so I am hoping that will give me an added boost of luck. It's kind of a scary thing - I've been working on this project for three years.  While I feel like I should have completed this project in 1 or 2 years I also feel good about myself for having undertaken it and working on it amongst the very few moments of free time I have.  Those moments don't happen often when you work 2 jobs, do freelance production and belong to a very large family that keeps your social calendar full all year long.  But I did it and that to me is good enough. 

I'm anxious to see how my work is perceived - assuming it gets played before an audience!  Whether it's the Big Muddy Film Festival or some other festival later on I hope that I'm able to at least get it screened in front of 1 crowd consisting of people I don't know.  Sure I can show it to friends and family but I can't help but think there's a bit of bias in their reviews of my work.  I appreciate their support.   

As we filmmakers like to say I have abandoned this film and am finished tinkering, editing, 'ideating' and re-editing.  But I won't ever stop worrying that I could've made it better, longer, more informative, more dramatic, more engaging to the audience - there's a million different things I could have done but what I have is what I decided was right.  I hope that this is the first of many films I can produce, because I've got a list in my head of projects I want to start working on.  So if anyone has monetary contributions they'd like to make so that I  can quit my job and become a filmmaker full time I'd love to hear from you!